Leftovers 8 Sep 2010, 6:59 pm

- 15 movie beards that make the movie. Yes PLEASE! (via the all new Nextmovie)

- Looks like your sixteen year old sister is not the only person trolling Facebook for dates. Super celeb Cher is on the prowl. Line up man meat. (via E!)

-Gleeks enjoy this photo gallery of the season two premiere party and wipe the drool off the screen when you are done. (via TV.com)

-Can't wait for the new season of the RW/RR Challenge? Well then check out one of the cast members online show: The Chet Cannon Show. First topic: Fake Lesbians.

Snooki Is Free 8 Sep 2010, 4:00 pm

The judge let Snooki off! She was in court today facing three charges: disorderly conduct, being a public nuisance, and criminally annoying others. Snooki told the judge, "I would definitely like to apologize to the Seaside cops, when I saw what happened and everyone told me what happened, I was very embarrassed...This was not like me and I've never been in this situation before."

Anyway, the charges were dropped, and she was ordered to pay a find of $500, and has to serve two days of community service at the local animal control. But really she only has to serve one day because she already volunteered at the zoo. Those poor animals, they must have been like, "What specie are you? Who sent you? And, weren't you charged with being annoying? Then leave us alone."

Snooki tweeted:

Teen Mom: Adult Moms Suck 8 Sep 2010, 2:12 pm

Nerdia is away on vacation this week, and I jumped at the chance to take a look at Teen Mom. I've never seen it, but I know what it was like being fat in high school and sleeping with random football players to pass the time, so I figured I would be perfect for a sub. My first thought is wow. I need to watch MTV more often.

Gay teens! Stoner teens! Teens with really bad teeth and drips of snot coming out at random moments!

I'm excited and the show hasn't even started. Was I ever that young? Were my teeth ever that...no. But I did have hair once, so I'm kinda relating. Previously on Teen Mom, lots of white trash moms who never should have had kids in the first place were mean to their kids who are having kids and shouldn't be having kids in the first place. You know who should have kids? Rich people with super patient nannies. Otherwise? You're ruining someone's life.

Amber is feeling down "ever since I failed my GED practice test?" I have a feeling she got points off for putting question marks at the end of every answer.

I passed my SIT test with flying colors though?

Chunky guys. Wonder what you need to do to get a girlfriend? Learn to make pancakes. It's seriously as simple as that.

It's Amber's birthday! Her one wish is to make it another night without being suffocated.

Not gonna happen.

Are you sometimes not sure if you should have had a baby? Just don't strap it into its high chair and cross your fingers it will take a dive.

Some people might call this neglect. Others would call it playing the odds.

Amber gets a call from a friend wishing her happy bday. She says "you just get older from 18 on, man." Deep. Amber says she feels thirty, like that's a bad thing. Ah, youth. You might feel so tired because your fiance keeps feeding you triple decker butter sandwiches.

Amber's gonna go dancing with her friends later, and fiance guys says that he'll watch the kid. Um, thanks? Why are you acting like that's such a huge favor? If I was Amber I would spend all day screaming "YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!" What's the point of popping out a kid at sixteen if you can't use it as a bargaining chip for the rest of your life? She complains that there's too much butter on the pancakes. And then she feeds it to the kid.

It's poison. Shut up and love it. Your heart will stop soon and I can stop listening to your fuckin whining.

Let's see what a girl named Farrah is up to! She tells us that she gets no help from her parents so she's stuck taking care of her own brat. This is the time for Farrah to learn that most of us hate our parents. But we still need money. So we FAKE IT! Put your pride away, say you're sorry, and get money for a babysitter or something. She takes her kid to the doctor, and then goes to the County Prosecutor. Her mom has finished her counseling, paid her fine, and is all done. Uhoh. Drug counseling? Alcohol? I don't know but it doesn't sound good. Farrah is pretty defensive and doesn't believe her mom is better so fast. The counselor tells her that if she wants her mom to have a relationship with her kid she's gonna have to stop being so stubborn. What kind of counsellor would even suggest a relationship between a baby and a drug addict? If that's what the mom is. I don't know. If she is, though, bad counsellor. As if sensing I don't know the problem here, MTV puts up a graphic to explain it to me very clearly.

Grandma has offensively low boobs.

Maci is our next girl. She tells us that she shares custody of her brat with her ex fiancee Ryan. Let's see what he's up to! Besides being hot.

Mom stop talking to me while I'm being hot for the cameras.

Rayn's parents are hounding him to get in writing that Maci will share custody more along the fifty fifty lines. Ryan looks thrilled at this prospect.

Can we wait til the kid stops pooping in his pants? I really hate that.

It's time to take the brat back to Maci, so Ryan goes into his bedroom to fetch his current girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with these parents? Didn't you learn anything the first time? Get that skank out of his bed! I know it's not the fifties, but if your kid has a problem with sucking don't hand him a box of lollipops.

This girlfriend chick is acting a little too motherly for my taste. Get your own mistake, wench! She gives Ryan shit in the car about hounding Maci for equal custody. He just drives and keeps sucking. Finally, he says that he doesn't wanna argue with Maci. That sounds like perfect husband material. Look hot and don't do anything to make me mad. In the end, he just asks for one more day. Maci says they'll talk about it, but he's not gonna be happy when he finds out she's moving to Nashville.

Next up, let's watch Catelynn's friend Alexa try to get into a car!

Maybe Crisco her up a little.

Come on! You can do it!

OK now you're cracking the windshield.

You did it! All we had to do was remove the back seat.

Now hold your breath until we get there.

Catelynn needs a dress for prom. The toilet in the girl's room is the perfect place to drop her next kid. Where's the best place to go for a classy dress? YES! Dress Barn! They have terrible security there. Alexa's stealing all kinds of shit.

Take the mannequin out of your purse, Alexa.

Now let's take a moment to check out a model of great parenting.

You look like a meth head. What's your point MOM?!

Cate complains that she's a nine now and before she got knocked up she was a size three! Her mom says "that's what happens when you have kids." Alexa smiles politely and tries to find a quiet moment to slip some more melted butter into Cate's milkshake.

Skinny bitch.

Cate finds a red dress she likes, but her meth head mom just snarks about how ugly it is like a fucking three year old. This is my problem with social services and most government beauracracies: THEY DON'T DO ANYTHING. If that agency was worth a damn they would have taken Cate away years ago and put the mom down like a horse with a broken ankle.

There should be a bottle of glue with your name on it, skank.

Catelynn starts crying. AW! Witch mom rolls her eyes, licks her brown teeth, and plops down on a couch to send someone a text with a stylus. WTF? She snarks a little more, then stamps her feet and storms off with a "I'm sick of this shit." Thanks for giving mom her excuse of the day to indulge in meth, Cate! Cate tells Alexa that her mom is so evil because she's mad Cate is putting her kid up for adoption. Well Cate you're almost old enough to be on your own and who is she supposed to abuse now? You selfish brat!

Farrah? Has no help. And she's exhausted! Does she say that like ten times a week? Cuz it's already number four for this episode. Her friend Kristina comes over to help get piss stains off the couch.

Can we just burn this?

Parents: plastic furniture. Otherwise you will just resent your children and sit around in piss. Kristina asks about the mom situation, and Farrah says that there's no way her mom is just suddenly better and if she goes to counseling with her it will only be to get to the bottom of why her own kid has a green disease on her face.

Let's talk about the gene pool and then I want you outta my life for good.

Maci goes to her friend's job to complain about the whole Ryan wanting equal custody thing. The friend is super supportive as she listens to Maci go on about what a loser Ryan is. Meanwhile, tables are without food. Stupid Maci. People are hungry!

I didn't punch out or anything. Uhhuh. I'm listening. Damn I forgot to marry the ketchup bottles. Uhuh mmhmmm Ryan. Dammit I need to cut lemons and roll silver or I'm never getting out of this dump.

Maci works and goes to school and doesn't have much time for the baby, and this is somehow an argument against Ryan getting more time with him. Ryan doesn't even seem that excited about it. I think this is a battle between the grandparents. Who gets more time with the kid? Maci's mom or Ryan's parents? The conversation moves to Nashville. How can you just up and move when you're sharing custody? Maci says that Ryan has to pay less child support the fewer days she has with the brat. So if he took him off your hands an extra day he would have to pay more? First off, how does that make sense and second, why is that a problem? Get rid of the kid for an extra day and get some shopping money. I know the situation's not ideal, but the kid was made out of hot guy sperm and there's no getting away from it.

Catelynn got her prom dress and now they have to go find her fiance a tux. She tells us that shopping's hell with her mom, who's been in a shitty mood since Butch went to rehab. This show couldn't be more white trash if it was set in a Cracker Barrel.

Meth Mom shouts at poor Alexa and then screams that "you're both fuckin rude!" She keeps shouting about what ignorant bitches the kids are. Why are people so afraid of suicide? If you're that miserable just fucking JUMP ALREADY. What a bitch.

Dear God, please stop handing out ovaries like party favors. Love, Flipit

Meth Mom calls Cate bitch a few times and tells her fuck you over and over again. She drops her off to meet her boyfriend and it's not hard to see why Cate is dating a fifth grader.

My childhood's ruined. Can I cling to yours?

She complains to him about how she was so angry with her mom she could have punched her. Well, someone should. Poor Alexa just looks like she wants a new friend. Finally, Alexa says that Meth Mom is just jealous because of how happy Cate is after giving up her kid. Alexa doesn't talk much but when she does it's with some serious wisdom. This shuts Cate and fiance up. Alexa chomps down on a double Whopper and smiles knowingly.

Amber's bfriend is looking for a gift for Amber. How bout you just find someone to take the GED for her? Or, I dunno. GET A JOB?!? He gets her a pink blanket and a teddy bear. How did this idiot ever get laid?

Ryan has dinner at a Mexican place with his friends and they talk about his custody issue. He thinks he's just kept from the kid to annoy him and he's paid 80,000 in child support. You mean your parents have spent 80,000 dollars in child support. This guy can't possibly have a job. He can't even say more than two words at a time. His girlfriend, who is now definitely wanting to be that baby mama, thinks the whole thing is unfair. Especially when she learns that legally, Maci can move up to five hours away. Snapple, court system! His friends want him to be outraged, but he's having a blankfaced salsa binge.

After a long puase, he says this might be worth taking to the court. I think he might mean tennis, but no one asks.

Farrah tells us that she is gonna try to work it out with her mom. She calls her, and her mom sounds all nice and says she misses her. Farrah's like yeah thanks for calling. Mom says that she left a message and Farrah just didn't get it. Mmhm. Farrah invites her to therapy and the mom tries to come up with an excuse to not go but "I'm wasted" isn't acceptable at the moment so she agrees.

Ryan goes to see a lawyer. Is he sure the kid's his? Damn, buddy! Ryan says yes the kids his, and the lawyer's like "sure you don't want a DNA test?" HAHAH lawyers are such dicks. He tells Ryan that the only way to stop Maci from moving to Nashville is to bring some kind of suit against her. So let's file one! No, Ryan doesn't have a job, but his parents do! Let's spend some serious cash fighting for a kid Ryan's not even making the SLIGHTEST effort to support. This is fucking disgusting.

Wayell, we could kill er. Er we could sue er fer somethin. She keep any of your boardgames in the split? Let's sue er over Clue. That'll be ten thousand smackers k? Have yur daddy cawl meh.

Farrah's mom shows up at counseling and Farrah tries to not stab her while she plays with the kid. Counselor takes them into the office and Farrah says she's there to make her mom and daughter relationship not suck. Debra, with complete dead face, says she wants her kid to be happy. Farrah says she is getting there, but no one buys it.

What about this face says unhappy?!?

Debra says that they used to be best friends. Farrah's like "um no we weren't". She gets mad and bitchily says her mom shouldn't be crying if she wants to be best friends. I don't know what that means, but the mom really must have messed up. To show Farrah she loves her, Debra: (loooong pause) prays for her. Oh lord. You know what would be better? Being a decent mom. Or calling her. Or helping put her through school. Waste of life. Farrah says this is all bullshit and she's not gonna enjoy her mom's company. Counselor tells her to STFU and stop being a brat. She's the one who invited her mom here and she's gonna have to make some changes too. She suggests hanging out together. Debra looks in the couch cushions for dropped pills. It's obvs Farrah still clings to the idea of a good mom. But wishing does not a good mom make. Dump the bitch and concentrate on not becoming her.

Catelynn and her boyfriend walk the dogs while Cate talks about feeling fat. Fiance's like "yeah but you had a baby". No. You're supposed to say "you're not fat. Let's get something to eat." It's difficult teaching people how to romance girls. The conversation moves onto mom, and he says "she's never forgaven you." Is it too late to give him up for adoption, too?

Amber says that her fiance is being so sweet to take care of the kid and it's weird cuz he usually gets jealous when she goes out without him. There are plenty of whales in the sea, you know. Then we find out why he gets jealous.

Toxic Fat Friend

Toxic Fat Friend tells him it's his right to see his woman on her birthday and by offering to babysit he's being a little bitch. Be a man and tell her NO. I'm just guessing here, but something tells me Toxic Fat Friend will be single forever.

Gary calls Amber and starts his manly jealous act. When you leaving? Where you going? He gives her attitude so she hangs up on him. He calls back and yells at her. He says he's not getting her a cake and she can get a babysitter. Fucking idiot. Hope you have fun with your real wife.

Misery loves company.

And so do triple D man boobs.

The baby cries while Amber shrieks about having to get a fucking babysitter. First, get a get a boyfriend that can fit in a plane seat. It will be easier for him to get a job then. Then, buy a box of condoms. Then, tie your tubes just in case. Then, start taking Plan B as a morning supplement. You can never be too careful. I am not just trying to help you. I am trying to help the world. There are genes that just don't need to multiply.

Farrah decides to follow her counselor's advice and meet her mom for coffee. After some of the most annoying baby talk ever, Debra asks Farrah how she likes living alone. Farrah says that she just works and goes to school and studies. Debra says that Sophia needs someone to teach her stuff and she can watch her if Farrah will trust her. Then she drops the baby on the floor and pulls a box of chardonnay out of her purse. Still, Farrah agrees. At least it wasn't heroin.

Amber can't believe her fat fuck idiot boyfriend is f ing her over on her bday. She goes to the bedroom to talk to him while her friends talk about how they always thought Amber was the bitch but now see why. LOL. She yells at him and breaks up with him. HAHAHAHHA!! Atta girl.

At least I have my Toxic Fat Friend...



I can't wait to use that giant underarm as a night cap.

Guess what Toxic suggests? Going to his house! Toxic says Gary's just gonna be a pussy and go watch the baby, which he does. And he brings a cake home too. It's half eaten, but still. He says sorry and Amber hugs him like a dead fish. Gary helps her blow out the trick candles with a mouth full of spit. Well that's one way to be sure you'll get the other half of the cake you fat fuck.

Ryan plays with his kid, and when Maci shows up he hands her some papers from the lawyers. He yawns during every sentence he speaks. He is taking her to court to get equal custody, and when she tries to ask what he's up to he just yawns. So basically this show is about how men have no brains and do everything the people around them tell them too. Men? We're not really coming off great here. I hope in court Maci is strong enough to mention that her idiot ex has no job or plan of ever having one and yawns during sentences. This show is seriously pissing me off.

Guess what Ryan does while his parents try to talk to him? He shoves his face full of food and says two words at a time. Maci is def gonna move, and mom is glad that they started legal fights for the next sixteen years. Listen grandma, you had your chance to raise a kid and you FUCKED IT UP ROYALLY. Back off and live your own life. Maci is in the car crying to her mom about how lazy and ridiculous Ryan is, and her mom says she's working hard and Ryan's a lump of crap and there's no judge in the world that will give him custody. A good mom on this show? I don't believe it. That's why they don't show her that much.

Catelynn gets her hair did for prom while her fiance comes on to himself in the mirror.

Sure, Cate's mom is a c word, but she showed up to take prom pictures! And with such a pretty smile!

Fuck all y'all.

Meth Mom totally reminds me of this sketch:

Cate comes out looking pretty and her mom refuses to compliment her. She doesn't call her a homely slag though, so I think that's progress. Cate and Fifth Grad party like pros and they win Prom King and Queen! AW. They are really cute. I like Cate, if only cuz I HATE her mother. They celebrate like any red blooded American kids would.

Let's make a baby.

Wow. What a show. I am hooked on this shit now. Thanks a lot, Nerdia! Thanks for putting up with me this week guys! Nerds will be back next time! xo

PS - Wear a condom.

TV Patrol: The CW’s New Tonight! 8 Sep 2010, 1:02 pm

Here we go! The CW is starting it's new fall season tonight. The new series Hellcats premieres at 9pm. It sticks with the winning formula the CW has promoted over the past few years, catering to the younger Tween crowd. This show is all about cheerleading & not just the "go team" part, but the true competitive, down & dirty part of the sport... yes it IS a sport! High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale is part of the cast, but not its star.... Alyson Michalka is. She plays a down & out college student who's lost her financial aid & is looking for ways to stay in college. A cheerleading scholarship is just the ticket, but she hates cheerleaders & everything they stand for.... (could this be CW's attempt at a Glee clone?) thus it begins.

Cycle 15 of America's Next Top Model begins tonight at 8pm. The controversy over 6'2" model Anna's tiny waist (Judge J Alexander could circle it with his hands) has subsided abit, but everyone is wondering how Tyra Banks will handle the situation on the opening episode. Designer Cynthia Rowley will have the 32 wanna-bees wear her collection & ultimately pick the 14 who will compete for this year's prizes.... which are a fashion spread in Italian Vogue magazine (not "Seventeen" this year), the cover of "Beauty in Vogue" magazine, a contract with IMG Modeling Agency & Cover Girl Make-up plus $100,000. Tyra promises "high fashion". Let the catwalk/cat fights begin!

FX has a new series premiering tonight at 10pm. Terriers is all about an ex-cop & his buddy going into the private investigating business without a license. Neither one likes trouble or taking responsibility for what they do to solve crimes. From the creators of Ocean Eleven & the producers of The Shield, this show has enough humor & also plenty of the action FX is famous for to make it "must see" TV. Donal Logue (ER & Grounded for Life) & Michael Raymond-James (True Blood) are the stars who we all end up rooting for as they find more trouble than criminals, all to the chagrin of local law enforcement. Kinda sounds like a buddy-style Rockford Files, which I hear is getting a remake too.

Don't forget... tonight is part #1 of the season finale of Top Chef: D.C. on Bravo at 1opm. The remaining chefs are flown off to Singapore for their next culinary challenge. Be sure to look for J-Mo's recap of the whole event.

America's Got Talent (NBC 9pm) will give us the final four results from America's voting. To fill in the whole hour they have guest appearances by Sarah McLachlan (she sings that sad, sad animal abuse commercial song) & the cast of the American Idol stage show.

Big Brother 12 (CBS 8pm) will try to make us believe their show is LIVE tonight with the the eviction of another houseguest & the first of a 3-part Head of Household competition with the final 3. The results & part #2 of the HOH competition WILL be LIVE tomorrow night.

What more can you ask for? Well, I'll tell ya....Cat Ladies (Animal Planet 10pm) is all about those lovable old ladies with more cats than anyone can imagine. Wonder why they didn't call me?

It’s Official: Piers Morgan Is Taking Over 8 Sep 2010, 12:30 pm

I'm smart, just listen to my accent

It's official! Piers Morgan is set to takeover Larry King Live starting January 2011. What will Larry do next? He's been hosting his show since 1985, which is completely insane, and loyal. CNN-US President Jon Klein said, "Piers has made his name posing tough questions to public figures, holding them accountable for their words and deeds...He is able to look at all aspects of the news with style and humor with an occasional good laugh in the process."

CNN has yet to name the new talk show, but I'd laugh my ass off if they kept it the same with a few tweaks for brand recognition...something like: Larry King Live featuring America's Got Talent's, Piers Morgan.

When they first announced this rumor, I was like, wahhhh? The dude from America's Got Talent? But after hearing Simon Cowell speak so highly of him, and call him the best interviewer, I have to say I'll give him a shot. Simon's usually right about most things when it comes to talent. Piers better be on point in January, he's got some big suspenders to fill.

About Last Night: Flipping Out 8 Sep 2010, 11:00 am

About Last Night: Flipping Out

This is our fifth episode of the new season, and it best encapsulates the main challenge Jeff is facing this year. He wants to build off his earlier successes, and expand his business, but he's finding out that requires a different skill set than the one he's relied on so far. This week has Jeff heading to New York City for two jobs. One is to take a look at a trendy Brooklyn condo that might be worth flipping. But the other job is a wee bit more important: House Beautiful magazine has selected Jeff to design their 2010 kitchen of the year. Which they will then build. Life-size. AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER.

So, you know, pressure.

Jeff thought this was only going to be an informal meeting for him to outline his ideas, but he discovers the editors of House Beautiful have decided to throw a few wrenches into the mix. First, Jeff’s kitchen will be on display for much longer than he previously thought. And second, right after the current meeting, they'd like Jeff to go upstairs and give a demonstration for the people who are going to help him design and build the kitchen--people with crazy titles like National Flooring Czar, so in other words, swaying them is going to be a bit harder than swaying, say, one overworked UTA agent who's never home. It’s basically a pop quiz, only way bigger so…pop Bar Exam? They go upstairs to the packed penthouse conference room, Jeff takes his seat, he flounders a bit, but eventually he pulls himself together and gives a kick ass demonstration.

And along with finding new business opportunities in high-pressure environments, Jeff's success means he can't be everywhere at once. While Jeff is in New York, Sarah stays behind to run the ship. Her main duty is overseeing interior demolition at the Royal Woods property, (the one with the young couple and the infant). Jeff was very anxious about having no control over this, which made the homeowner Tracey anxious, and they set it up to look like Sarah would be fucking things up and maybe get fired...but once she actually gets down to work, she’s fine. She even feels empowered without Jeff’s hovering, micromanaging presence.

The trip to New York is also an opportunity to give Zoila an awesome birthday gift, as he’s decided to bring her along for a mini vacation. As Jeff and Jenni take care of their tasks, Zoila gets a pretty awesome New York experience, including shopping at Bloomingdale’s, sightseeing, hanging out in cafes, and just soaking up the ambience and change of pace. The trip concludes with Jeff taking Jenni and Zoila out to dinner at a very nice Italian restaurant. Jeff has one more plan to present this trip…when he has his baby, (in a couple years), he wants Zoila to help take care of it. It's a nice counterpoint to the typical day-to-day grind at Jeff Lewis Designs, because here we see how much they really do care about each other, and how they're really quite happy with their lives.

Trailer Trash Fall Preview: Mike & Molly 8 Sep 2010, 10:06 am

***Over the next couple of weeks, the TVgasm crew will be bringing you Special Edition Fall Preview Trailer Trashes of upcoming premieres. We're kicking things off with Mike and Molly!

PottyMouth: He’s a fat cop, she’s a fat teacher.  He has a non-threateningly funny black man as his partner, she lives with her mom and sister.  I guess having her live alone with her eight cats would be too realistic.

Chance of Success: CBS loves it’s stupid comedies, so this one will make it through at least a couple seasons.  Or until the characters are grandparents.

Hot girls eating cake. To thin people, this is a bad sitcom. To fat people, this is good porn.

Bbitz: If I wanted to watch fat people in love I'd watch reruns of "Family Matters".

Chance of Success: 65%

Flipit: This show is tricky and evil. At first you think you should all take a moment and thank Hollywood for giving fat people some money this Fall. It's about time you greedy skeletons! Unfortunately, this show looks terrible, so said fat people will most likely be hitting the unemployment lines soon. Which will lead to depression. Which will lead to more fatness. Which will lead to even less work. Way to keep fat people in their place, Hollywood!
Chance of Success: There have been over 15 million KFC Double Downs sold. If even half of the fat bastards who bought those sandwiches watches this, it will be the biggest sitcom on TV.

In 2010, fat child actor unemployment shrunk...for a second.

Monamonzano: Fat People on TV? That's worse than...nothing.

Chance of Success: Lots. Fat people love to escape their cruel Indiana existences and watch other fat people on tv.

HoneyGangsta: It looks like Mike has spent too many shifts at the donut shop. Casting this guy as a cop makes me very nervous about sitcom public safety.

Chance of Success: 10%

St. Claire of Assisi: Thoughts: I'm eagerly anticipating the rumored "fat camp" episode.  It'll be a transparent ripoff of Hogan's Heroes, except with nutritionists instead of Nazis.  Equally bumbling, though.

Chance of Success: 0% + a 740,000% boost from Chuck Lorre.

SexyPanda: Well, Molly's wearing a shirt I recently bought at Macy's.  It looks better on her, and I'm the one who's lost 120 lbs.  Sad trombone.  Otherwise, we need a fat person's sitcom to fill the gaping hole Roseanne and King of Queens left.  And it looks sweet.

Chance of Success:   60%

Cherie: Gee a bunch of fat fuckers. I can look at my family for that.

Chance of Success: I predict 85% chance of making it. America loves fat fuckers.

There were about two seconds in this preview that fat wasn't mentioned. Thankfully, they made up for that glaring error with this shot. Do NOT stand near this man while he's waving. You'll break your nose.

Mike & Molly premieres Sept 20 on ABC

Jenny Slate: Ding Dong, You’re Fired. 8 Sep 2010, 8:28 am

Jenny Slate, the girl who accidentally dropped an F-bomb in a sketch last year has been let go from SNL. Rumor was that Abby Elliot, and Jenny were going to be let go, but it turns out it only poor Jenny got the ax. I swear the entertainment business is the only industry that blasts that you got fired from a job...that's got to be harsh on the ego. Hopefully Jenny will bounce back ok. I'm curious to see who they'll replace her with, if anybody.

With her departure, I leave you with my favorite Jenny Slate sketch...

Knock knock, who's there? Doorbell.

The new season premieres on September 25th with host Amy Poehler.

Leftovers 7 Sep 2010, 7:04 pm

- Masterchef has been picked up for a second season. Hope Dangerously is ready for some more WHATS IN THE BOX?! (via Deadline)

- The 25th anniversary of The Golden Girls is coming up and the entire series will be re-released on DVD on Nov.9th (in a wicker purse no less) to celebrate. Here is a the beloved CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS scene.

- More DVD releases: Community's first season will be available on Sept. 21st. If you are not watching this show you should be-the movie references alone are comedy/pop culture gold.

- If you ever see Tim Gunn buy him a cup of coffee and you are sure to get a ton of stories. (via Reality Blurred)

- Fresh blood for SNL : Vanessa Bayer, Paul Brittain, Taran Killam, And Jay Pharoah are joining the cast. Also the 36th season of SNL will kick off on Sept.25th with Amy Poehler and host and Katy Perry as the musical guest.  (via NBC)

Jersey Shore: YOU Don’t See That 7 Sep 2010, 3:39 pm

Take off the denial goggles, sweetheart.

To the great dismay of all Jersey Shore viewers, we are still in the middle of the grand NOTE saga, waiting to see who will be blamed for telling Sammi everything that Ronnie has been doing behind her back.  Even though everyone knows it doesn’t matter one little bit because Sammi has serious mental issues along with battered woman syndrome.  But we take a break from that for just a moment to watch Snooki and Angelina taking shots while wearing ginormous sombreros.

Because cholos are Mexican guidos. Or something.

Snooki accidentally drinks from the glass that is being used for an ashtray - that’s disgusting.  She bends over to spit it out and our friendly editors blur out her panties.  This is of note because less than a minute later she is crawling onto Vinny’s bed to see if he’s game for some action and here we get a crystal clear shot of her yellow undies.

Why?

What gives?  Either spare us or don’t, but stop with the mixed messages.  This show has already warped my brain into something beyond recognition.  Snooki claims this is a search for which guy’s bed is the softest, but I think it’s really a search for which guy’s junk is the hardest and Vinny wins, inviting her to snuggle.   The next shot we get is this:

The Snooki Security Blanket: available at a nightclub near you.

Luckily Snooki is discreet enough to crawl away to her own bed before anyone wakes up.  Unluckily she is not discreet enough to refrain from immediately telling Sammi that she doinked Vinny.  We get confirmation here that Vinny is extremely well-endowed.  In fact, Snooki says it was like trying to push a watermelon through a pinhole.  And sorry, but I can’t believe that Snooki’s “pinhole” hasn’t had a fair amount of breaking in.  But on to less vomit-inducing storylines.  Wait, what?

Oh this will do for now.  The girls, minus Sammi, head to the beach for some sun.  Jwoww warns Angelina again that if she blabs about the authors of the note she’ll be in big trouble.  They then proceed to talk about what an idiot Sammi is with Ronnie.  Sammi, meanwhile is at home still mad that no one will tell her the truth to her face.  And just when she has lost all hope for a confidante, who decides to dish the straight dope?  THE SITUATION.

Voice of reason?

I guess he figures now that the cat is out of the bag he might as well say his peace.  And he does it in the most awesome way humanly possible:

Sitch:  What are ya doin? It’s none of my business, ya know what I mean?  He’s my boy but, ya know it’s very one-sided.  I don’t see how you don’t see it.  He’s a hundred percent WRONG.  Ya know what I mean?

Sammi:  And he doesn’t see that?

Sitch:  No, no, no, no, no, no.  YOU don’t see that.

BINGO!  Does it get any simpler, Sammi?  HE DOESN’T CARE IF HE HURTS YOU.  Whether or not RONNIE sees it, YOU need to see it and protect yourself.  And these words of wisdom from The Situation.  I had no idea he had it in him to come off so insightful and caring.  Thank you, Sitch.  Really does anything else need to be said?  No, but he goes on anyway, confirming the note, offering to be the roommate that tells her the truth, telling her she looks stupid, and even that Ronnie has done much worse than what was in the note.  Sammi has heard - from a roommate, mind you - that Ronnie is playing her.  Case should be closed, but then who would annoy us?  Sammi just sits there whimpering and you know nothing will change. Then she goes, “He said he didn’t hook up with anybody.”  I give up.

Later Snooki and Jwoww are out on the patio and Snooki is breaking under the stress of being the anonymous note writer and wants to tell Sammi it was them.  Jwoww disagrees.  Angelina joins them and the other girls say she’s also responsible for the note.  Angelina wants to be left out of it and further, she doesn’t know what the point is of telling Sammi since she’s of course going to stay with Ron.  Sitch is busily rearranging the deck chairs during this convo and when he walks inside he tells Sammi they’re out there talking about her.  Angelina walks in to invite Sammi out to join the conversation, but she won’t go, saying that if the girls want to talk they can darn well walk themselves inside.  Now everyone is mad.  Snooki is mad that she’s the only one who wants to tell Sammi about the note, Jwoww is mad that Sammi won’t come outside and Sammi is mad that she’s a miserable idiot.

Jwoww comes inside and starts mouthing off to Sammi about coming outside and Sammi mouths off right back that they could have come inside.  This escalates into extensions flipping, acrylic nails pointing, enormous earrings swinging, and general foreplay to a catfight.  Jwoww finally loses it, yelling, “You’re a naive bitch while your man is putting his dick in other bitches!”  Moment of silence for the reaction shots:

All Sammi can come back with is that they should have told her.  Jwoww’s like, “Uh we did.”  Ronnie’s like, “So who wrote the note?”  Sammi, too wants to know who wrote the note.  Who did it?  Who did it?  Who did it?  Who did it?  I’m having an aneurysm.  More yelling about who should have done what and Sammi retreats to the bathroom, yet again, crying.  Snooki is beginning to think they shouldn’t have written the letter.  Oh gee, who could have possibly foreseen anything going wrong with the infallible master note plan?  Sammi tells Jwoww and Snooki that the note has physically and mentally destroyed her and she’s not herself right now.  Then she goes outside to talk to Ronnie (oh boy).

Ronnie’s trying to play this off like the note is ancient history and it’s something they “got through” together.  Like there’s no need to keep bringing up this silly glitch we’ve already dealt with.  It happened YESTERDAY!  Sammi says she can’t trust anyone and she doesn’t know what to do.  Then she goes to her bed and reads the note again!  Has it changed, Sammi?  Has it morphed into a declaration of eternal devotion from Ronnie?

"B-R-E-A-S-T-S. I don't know that word."

The next day we mercifully shift gears and discover that Vinny is having trouble with his eye again.  Remember last season when he had pink eye and thought it was terminal?  He was so sick he couldn’t work, but luckily it wasn’t serious enough to keep him from clubbin that night.  So here we are back to Vinny’s eye trouble.  Pauly D goes with him to the optometrist to find out if this is something that will bar him from scooping gelato or what.

"Pauly, could you get my wheelchair ready?"

Guess what it is.  Guess what dreaded ocular disease Vinny has contracted this season.  Dry eye.  Let me say that again.  Dry eye.  Vinny’s mother has pampered him so much that he probably goes in for a cat scan anytime he has a slight headache.  Can you imagine what would happen if he came down with pneumonia or something?  He would probably die just from the hysterical fit he would throw upon learning he had an illness.  I wonder how he handles all his STDs.  He must be on a first name basis with everyone at the free clinic.  He probably also has a lifetime prescription of Valium from many exhausted physicians.  As Vinny and Pauly D leave the optometrist some girl wants to know if Vinny’s Italian, why is he so white?  He must have gotten sunburned once and been scarred for life.

Much like the pink eye, the dry eye does not keep Vinny from clubbing and all of the roommies are heading out tonight.  Even Sammi bolsters herself up and pours herself into her white booty shorts.  It looks like Angelina has found a drink sponsor for the evening named Jose.  Sitch has his hot pink shirt up over his head, but he spots across the club a blonde girl who looks easy, so it’s on.  He escorts her directly home to the smoosh room.  But before he can start the Situation show, he needs sustenance.  He leaves her on the bed and heads out into the kitchen to hang with the roommies and fix himself a snack.  Wait, lest we think he’s being tacky, he DOES ask the girl if she’s hungry, but when she says no he makes himself comfortable at the table.  So in all seriousness, Mike leaves this girl sitting on the bed waiting to doink him while he has a meal!  And the girl waits!

Moments before great disappointment.

In other news, Jose has accompanied Angelina back to the house as well, but he leaves quietly when he realizes he won’t be getting any tonight.  Angelina is way too classy for that kind of thing, don’t you know?

When Sitch emerges from the smoosh room, Ronnie goes, “Already?”  And after a smoke Sitch goes back in and tells the girl he has a taxi waiting for her.  So she mostly came over to hang out by herself while Sitch ate.  Congrats, girlfriend, you made yourself quite the conquest this evening.  You must be so proud.  In fact, take a bow.

Remember last week, when Sammi told the guys that the girls would make dinner next Sunday?  Well it’s Sunday and the girls are going to have to follow through.  It seems that Snooki used to date a chef so she calls him for instructions on how to make penne a la vodka.  She’s truly baffled when he mentions tomato paste.  How do these girls ever expect to be proper Italian wives?  Isn’t cooking like their main duty?  That and rushing their sons to the emergency room when they lose an eyelash?  I guess this is their first step in the right direction.  Jwoww and Snooki go to the grocery store, but in the midst of trying to figure out what a quart is, Snooki gets distracted by these giant jars of pickles and ends up leaving her shopping list (and cooking instructions) on the shelf.

Apparently in the "random miscellaneous" aisle.

MVP take this opportunity to go out and eat a huge lunch since they don’t plan on receiving an edible meal from the girls.  Sitch predicts that the girls will be complaining the entire time as well, and he even does an imitation of them going, “We went shaaaaaping,” which makes me giggle.  I have to point out here that Pauly D is virtually unrecognizable when his blowout is covered.  If he ever decides to turn state’s evidence he’s all set.

Witness Protection Pauly

Jwoww and Snooki come home and ask Sammi and Angelina to help them bring in all the groceries.  Angelina takes this as her cue to get on the phone and Sammi heads to the patio to “hang out.”  These girls REALLY suck.  No one wants to carry in groceries, but if you’re older than three years old and someone asks you to help them for 30 seconds, you get off your lazy butt and help them.  Jwoww is starting to sympathize with Sitch and how he feels every time he cooks.  Sammi makes a green salad and calls it a day.  Jwoww asks her to go to the liquor store and get vodka (presumably for the penne a la vodka), but Sammi goes, “I don’t really feel like doin that,” and gets on the phone.  Then she goes to take a shower.

Jwoww gets madder and madder as the time goes by and she’s the only one cooking.  Snooki and Angelina eventually go to the liquor store.  The highlight of cooking comes for Snooki when she pours the vodka into the pan on the stove and it ignites.  It’s like their own private fireworks display!

"Pretty colors! Yay!"

The guys get home and are genuinely surprised to find that dinner is on the table for them.  They’re even more surprised when it’s not only edible, but delicious!  Sammi only eats salad since that’s all she helped with.  Then the guys keep their word as well and clean up all the dishes.  What a beautiful family bonding moment.

The next day Ronnie, Sammi and Angelina have to work at the gelato shop.  Ronnie and Sammi kiss each other on the lips when they get into the car.  Huh?  Oh forget it.  Sammi uses this shift to pretend that she and Angelina are great friends and try and pump Angelina for information about what else?  The note.  She wants to know if Jwoww and Snooki wrote the note.  Angelina finally caves and admits that they did but that Sammi can’t say anything.  Because all these secrets are really keeping everyone in the house on friendly terms, right?  Now Sammi is angrier than ever.  Because she has found someone other than Ronnie to blame for her misery.

And back at the house Sitch’s sister Melissa is on her way over.  This is the girl who the roommies call “Mike in a wig” and who Vinny got with last season in Jersey.  For the occasion Vinny breaks out this huge fake diamond cross.

"No way she'll be able to resist my Kryptonite."

He tells Jwoww that it’s like her boobs, it looks sick, but it’s fake.  Yes, but does it defy gravity?  It’s another night out for the roommies plus Melissa!  Here comes the hairspray.  Tonight it’s a club called Tantra and Melissa and Vinny pick up where they left off.  I wonder how she feels about sharing diseases with Snooki.

Sitch has found himself another amazing blonde to take home so he approaches her and begins the game.

"Who's your daddy? Who?"

All the other roommies notice that this girl is wearing gloves and a choker and looks suspiciously masculine.  Then they all tell us that if you even have to think about it, it’s a dude.  Sitch is horrified when he realizes his mistake, but he forges onward in the club in order to reaffirm his heterosexuality.

A situation of mistaken identity.

Jwoww tells Snooki how upset she is with Sammi and Snooki goes, “Let’s go to the bathroom.  I need to dance.”  Um, what?  I start wondering if “dance” is code for something else and then Jwoww goes, “You gotta go to the bathroom to dance?”

"Let's go to the gym. I need to eat."

ANYWAY... elsewhere in the club Pauly D has gotten so completely trashed that his hair is messed up and he makes out with Angelina in the cab on the way home.  He must be dreadfully inebriated.

Jwoww calls her boyfriend to say goodnight and she mentions that Pauly D is throwing up.  Then she hangs up and walks away.  Angelina starts making a big deal out of this, saying that Jwoww was talking s*** about Pauly D. Sammi jumps on board, but Vinny steps up, saying that it was completely innocent and Jwoww was just telling her boyfriend what was going on.  It’s true, it was so nothing.  Angelina is trying to create a problem.

"I gotta make some popcorn."

Vinny goes right to Jwoww and tells her what Angelina is doing, so of course, Jwoww marches right back out to the living room to sort this out.  Sammi puts her two cents in, which causes Jwoww to unleash her pent up fury.  Then Jwoww is in Sammi’s face saying she’s Jersey trash and Sammi is back in Jwoww’s face saying she doesn’t fight because she’s ma-chore and classy.

"And I've had balls all along, bitch!"

Then up comes THE NOTE.  And hair gets pulled.  And Sammi is shoved to the ground.  Then she charges Jwoww and takes a huge swing.  And... we’re out.  No anti-violence public service announcement.

Maturity and class... fighting to the death.

Next week the fight continues!  Vinny turns on Angelina for stirring this all up and then later they’re making out in a cab.  WTF is up with Angelina?

Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta